Blog Post #9

I learned from Professor Stukenberg’s comment on my rough draft for Essay 4 that my introduction story of the fisher was in contrast to my final thesis. I just realized that I had not made an effort to address the story of the fisherman to my readers. This story completley disregards money as having much value in life and how the fisherman was completly happy without it. Also, from the activity done in class, I learned that I have included too much of “I say” in my paper and need to include about half and half with what “they say”. By using more information from what my sources say, this lets my readers know that they are reading information from credible sources in the field and not just from me. I also learned from my peer evaluations that my conclusion needs to make a lasting impression on the reader. One reviewer likes how I didn’t use many counterargument because he despises counterarguments. I prefer using this method. I can talk about what the other sides of my subject are and make my conclusion at the end with my reader knowing where I am coming from. By agreeing with both sides some way can also aid in seeming less biased in the question of if money really does make us happy.

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2 thoughts on “Blog Post #9

  1. briannawirkus

    I can see that you are really thinking about how you can improve your essay. When I read your essay, I thought that the story with the fisherman was a really unique way to start out your essay. It really caught my attention and make me curious to see if the fisherman would take the idea that the man was giving him. I didn’t put two and two together though with you saying that to an extent money does make us happy. Maybe if you would keep that story in their and just state how some feel that money has no impact on our happiness like we saw in the story, and you could counter that with the other points you make throughout your essay. I wish you luck in the rest of your revising process.

    Reply
  2. chuh9732

    Very good. You have been putting the effort to think about your thesis and the example of your fisherman. I think you really did a good job about mentioning the fisherman at your introduction. kinds of remind me the essay written by Klinenberg. It’s just that you do not have the thesis that is obvious enough for readers to determine what you think. Try to fit in the story or change a bit to fit your topic sentence.

    Reply

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